Since Maya has turned two, we have had to deal with natural behavioral problems like tantrums and pushing limits, which are typical to her "terrible twos" age. At times, it is hard to handle, but it's not really a big deal as it is just how kids grow up. The thing that I have been struggling with is that husband-ji and I are on completely different pages in terms of discipline. And the hard part is that we both think we are right and the other is wrong!
Discipline is one of those few things that I think we should be on the same page about. I feel we need to be consistent, and like a team - because Maya already knows that when I say "no" to something, she can go to her Daddy! Of course, other things like feeding and playing - we can be on different pages about and it doesn't matter. Husband-ji will play with her differently than I do, and that's a good thing. It's an individual thing.
Previously, another thing we needed to be on the same page about is sleep - what time she should go to bed. That one we really struggled with last year, because husband-ji did not want to let her settle herself, which made the entire house (including my MIL) get no sleep for 2 months during a sleep regression. In that instance, husband-ji had to follow my lead and let her cry it out for a few days until she was able to sleep soundly for 12 hours at night. As a mother, I know my child's cries. I know if she is fake crying or real crying. Husband-ji does not yet know this, although he is getting there...
In that instance, he followed my lead and he trusted my mother's intuition. Yet in terms of discipline, he feels he knows better (and I still KNOW I know better!). Similar to the sleep situation, we are clashing a bit. I think it has a lot to do with differences we have as individuals, as mother/father, and as well as some cultural differences.
I think that it's a good thing to say "no" to your child - you have to set limits and boundaries. They cannot have everything they want. They cannot have every toy that's in a store. They cannot have cakes at all times of the day and especially at night. They cannot go to bed at any time they please. We have to set healthy limits for them - because they don't know their limits. If I don't start our bedtime routine wind-down (stories, bath, massage) then my daughter probably won't decide she's tired for two days - she is just soooo high energy! And we are not staying up with her - hell no!
My daughter has been doing this funny little act where if you tell her "no", she screams and cries. She only does it for a few minutes if you let her be and let her soothe herself. If you try to soothe her - she will take you as a willing audience, and it will go on for hours like some Bollywood movie with no intermission (on LSD!!!)
My technique of handling her is: I will firmly say no and why, she will have her outburst, and I will go on with my day until she settles down, and then we will talk about it. I want her to self-soothe, because I know that in those high-pitched moments - there is nothing I can do. And just like adults - children have emotions that pass through them. It's okay to feel sad or angry, and then the emotion passes and it's fine.
Husband-ji is handling her a completely different way. As soon as she has a shout/cry, he is running to her as if she is a helpless newborn infant and he is getting mad at me for "ignoring her", saying "BUT SHE IS JUST A CHILD!!!" The tantrum will go on for hours as he coddles her.
I think this difference in our methods happen for two reasons - one is that I don't look at her as a little baby anymore. She is a big girl, who is doing lots of big girl things like speaking sentences and using the toilet. Husband-ji feels she is still a newborn baby. It makes me wonder if he will always look at her like his newborn baby...?
Another reason, I believe is cultural. Both husband-ji and my inlaws immediately rush to her if they think something's wrong. This is because they all used to live in a joint family - there are just so many people to help pitch in. But...it creates an environment where children become very dependent and babied - for life. After a certain age, it can become detrimental. We live abroad now, where I can't rush to her every need - where I have nobody to watch her and no maid. Where we have very few parent friends. It's a different world here - a more independent world - for better or for worse.
It is quite odd though with the discipline, because he is quite strict with her in other ways. For example, he is very strict when she is doing her artwork. He doesn't want her to wreck her crayons. I have to tell husband-ji that "the crayons are like 1 rupee - relax!" I want her to feel free when she draws and when she reads. I don't want to be strict with her in those moments.
So, it is quite interesting to see how things play out as parents in this journey together. Over the past decade, we have gone from being friends, to dating, to engaged, to married, and now we are parents handling toddler tantrums!
I feel that we should be on the same page about discipline (rather, he should be on MY page! LOL) or is it okay to not be? Or should we find a middle ground? The answer: I don't even know! (which is basically the answer to every parenting-related question!)
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Dear readers, have you ever been through a similar situation? How do you deal with differences in discipline? Or differences in parenting?